Texts From Last Night

kray's Favorites Texts:

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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.

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  (770): I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia. http://tfl.nu/25qr
  Replies (14) Good night (2510) Bad night (1231)
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  (914): View more from New York

  Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

  (914): View more from New York

  Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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  (914): Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem (914): Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty. http://tfl.nu/8j05
  Replies (53) Good night (7227) Bad night (2263)
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (862): I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/ecro
  Replies (21) Good night (5775) Bad night (950) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

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  (703): The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up. http://tfl.nu/ttp7
  Replies (14) Good night (5334) Bad night (1434) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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  (509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw
  Replies (14) Good night (1270) Bad night (5457) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.

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  (978): who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name. http://tfl.nu/fmfw
  Replies (16) Good night (1058) Bad night (4553) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.

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  (406): he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me. http://tfl.nu/3m0w
  Replies (20) Good night (1363) Bad night (6567) Order T-Shirt
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.

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  (320): You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time. http://tfl.nu/fdjv
  Replies (7) Good night (1232) Bad night (3154) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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  (703): But I thought everyone had breakup sex? http://tfl.nu/04j7
  Replies (24) Good night (5013) Bad night (1368) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
  Replies (118) Good night (39605) Bad night (1604) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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  (978): went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed http://tfl.nu/x5dq
  Replies (53) Good night (11297) Bad night (1241) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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  (310): It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations http://tfl.nu/cpf7
  Replies (19) Good night (8139) Bad night (929) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
  Replies (485) Good night (172994) Bad night (6893) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.

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  (248): He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me. http://tfl.nu/d9on
  Replies (18) Good night (4479) Bad night (1050) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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  (210): Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO. http://tfl.nu/ip2n
  Replies (27) Good night (8272) Bad night (1058) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.

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  (310): I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit. http://tfl.nu/d25i
  Replies (17) Good night (3989) Bad night (2076) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.

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  (630): Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself. http://tfl.nu/qlu7
  Replies (41) Good night (5808) Bad night (837) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.

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  (970): Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends. http://tfl.nu/xm5k
  Replies (58) Good night (5469) Bad night (1842) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.

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  (267): Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids. http://tfl.nu/vgjd
  Replies (33) Good night (5680) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Church boner. Awkwardddd

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  (203): Church boner. Awkwardddd http://tfl.nu/s9a2
  Replies (43) Good night (2475) Bad night (5403) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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  (806): If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut http://tfl.nu/i4w4
  Replies (21) Good night (4679) Bad night (943) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  That's funny. Are they weird looking???

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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  (262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart. (1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking??? (262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS. http://tfl.nu/egmz
  Replies (38) Good night (8762) Bad night (1213)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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  (720): This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread. http://tfl.nu/5lzr
  Replies (33) Good night (6018) Bad night (1800) Order T-Shirt
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)

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  (660): My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :) http://tfl.nu/iyqj
  Replies (21) Good night (5880) Bad night (1481) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.

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  (469): Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work. http://tfl.nu/vgtk
  Replies (12) Good night (908) Bad night (4987) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl

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  (770): theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl http://tfl.nu/qhni
  Replies (16) Good night (3737) Bad night (1017) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.

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  (770): I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar. http://tfl.nu/rlky
  Replies (9) Good night (3876) Bad night (2115) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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  (214): Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse. http://tfl.nu/4gmt
  Replies (35) Good night (9950) Bad night (3028) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.

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  (412): I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8. http://tfl.nu/h2aq
  Replies (17) Good night (8196) Bad night (814) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I wanna bring you to show and tell

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  (269): I wanna bring you to show and tell http://tfl.nu/jv6d
  Replies (1) Good night (1776) Bad night (520) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

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  (803): I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on http://tfl.nu/5tgi
  Replies (43) Good night (9394) Bad night (875) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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  (386): Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland... http://tfl.nu/taw4
  Replies (9) Good night (5601) Bad night (886) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

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  (315): The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style. http://tfl.nu/brn7
  Replies (15) Good night (5043) Bad night (1054) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.

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  (256): It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops. http://tfl.nu/42cm
  Replies (12) Good night (5771) Bad night (742) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

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  (204): they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control. http://tfl.nu/p5nx
  Replies (9) Good night (1870) Bad night (4624) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.

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  (770): I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/s1ae
  Replies (40) Good night (5973) Bad night (479) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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  (530): my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad... http://tfl.nu/yh1f
  Replies (52) Good night (2216) Bad night (9965)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i dont even know how to be here

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  (973): i dont even know how to be here http://tfl.nu/mwy9
  Replies (34) Good night (5413) Bad night (1388) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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  (517): My own mom unfriended me on Facebook. http://tfl.nu/a468
  Replies (68) Good night (3732) Bad night (11290) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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  (810): I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future. http://tfl.nu/04uk
  Replies (31) Good night (1613) Bad night (6333)
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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  (575): The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order" http://tfl.nu/htwe
  Replies (18) Good night (12663) Bad night (990) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is

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  (813): She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is http://tfl.nu/qdi2
  Replies (46) Good night (4830) Bad night (1145) Order T-Shirt
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.

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  (660): I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better. http://tfl.nu/xn35
  Replies (45) Good night (4271) Bad night (1194)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

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  (717): im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra http://tfl.nu/5ubo
  Replies (25) Good night (848) Bad night (3634) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened

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  (978): i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened http://tfl.nu/l318
  Replies (23) Good night (924) Bad night (7084) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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  (316): i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight? http://tfl.nu/82sl
  Replies (73) Good night (9641) Bad night (2070) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.

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  (214): Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love. http://tfl.nu/wggk
  Replies (10) Good night (5953) Bad night (832) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds

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  (412): I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds http://tfl.nu/2vvx
  Replies (32) Good night (1490) Bad night (15328) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

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  (631): im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets http://tfl.nu/3y00
  Replies (65) Good night (8073) Bad night (685) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.

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  (845): oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call. http://tfl.nu/l86s
  Replies (13) Good night (540) Bad night (2227) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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  (402): I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song. http://tfl.nu/3qmr
  Replies (15) Good night (5929) Bad night (1050) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

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  (917): found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him http://tfl.nu/3fbj
  Replies (21) Good night (1289) Bad night (8711) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

  (1-305): View more from Florida

  Seriously?

  (305): View more from Florida

  100%

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  (305): I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox? (1-305): Seriously? (305): 100% http://tfl.nu/w2fu
  Replies (15) Good night (6652) Bad night (958)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  How did you steal an entire pie?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I don't know. It's in my purse.

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  (503): How did you steal an entire pie? (602): I don't know. It's in my purse. http://tfl.nu/b3mp
  Replies (22) Good night (11224) Bad night (923)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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  (937): after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head. http://tfl.nu/3prw
  Replies (45) Good night (10340) Bad night (4105) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

  (614): View more from Ohio

  handstands? WTF?

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  she was a gymnast

  (614): View more from Ohio

   go to hell.

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  (405): I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY (614): handstands? WTF? (405): she was a gymnast (614): go to hell. http://tfl.nu/pyfe
  Replies (9) Good night (2763) Bad night (435)
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  (979): View more from Texas

  I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar

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  (979): I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar http://tfl.nu/uc7h
  Replies (53) Good night (3797) Bad night (721) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now

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  (917): I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now http://tfl.nu/4qek
  Replies (22) Good night (4155) Bad night (644) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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  (215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk. (610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect. http://tfl.nu/dim5
  Replies (43) Good night (13938) Bad night (834)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

  (719): View more from Colorado

  she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  are you serious?

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  (414): i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it. (719): she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her. (414): are you serious? http://tfl.nu/esul
  Replies (50) Good night (1065) Bad night (19048)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

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  (419): we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it. http://tfl.nu/duoc
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it

  (987): View more from

  im ashamed your my cousin

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  (520): he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it (987): im ashamed your my cousin http://tfl.nu/oj53
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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  (206): I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log. http://tfl.nu/ft0h
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  (949): View more from California

  youre so sexy i want your bod

  (410): View more from Maryland

  dude, did you turn gay?

  (949): View more from California

  heather?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  this is jacob

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  (949): youre so sexy i want your bod (410): dude, did you turn gay? (949): heather? (410): this is jacob http://tfl.nu/gn2b
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.

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  (404): I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now. http://tfl.nu/90oh
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?

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  (206): Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug? http://tfl.nu/56z8
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  (631): View more from New York

  OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET

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  (631): OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET http://tfl.nu/az0w
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  is that a poem?!

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  (612): Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls (763): is that a poem?! http://tfl.nu/h29o
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  (281): View more from Texas

  had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

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  (281): had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag. http://tfl.nu/mbm9
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Thanks for getting me home last night.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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  (281): Thanks for getting me home last night. (832): No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa. http://tfl.nu/wftp
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..

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  (785): it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string.. http://tfl.nu/4pq8
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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  (519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  come over

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  (402): hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face. (1-402): come over http://tfl.nu/v8ye
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  i can respect that.

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  (404): on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you. (1-404): i can respect that. http://tfl.nu/fvjd
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  :O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"

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  (971): :O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out" http://tfl.nu/uf6x
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I wannas sexs uuuuu

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  (616) I wannas sexs uuuuu http://tfl.nu/1vml
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  (817): View more from Texas

  He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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  (817): He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house http://tfl.nu/yyye
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho

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  (770): she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho http://tfl.nu/uw8w
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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  (502): Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity http://tfl.nu/qinl
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know

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  (216): Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know http://tfl.nu/zyp8
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  (631): View more from New York

  Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...

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  (631): Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas... http://tfl.nu/m2r4
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.

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  (704): The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe. http://tfl.nu/8oi8
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  (518): View more from New York

  She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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  (518): She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change. http://tfl.nu/rlg4
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  (954): View more from Florida

  My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?

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  (954): My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this? http://tfl.nu/pvqp
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  consequently i now know what mace tastes like

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  (402): consequently i now know what mace tastes like http://tfl.nu/a9b7
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.

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  (802): I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover. http://tfl.nu/tbtl
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  (646): View more from New York

  it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there

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  (646): it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there http://tfl.nu/bxrn
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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  (612): I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm http://tfl.nu/twuk
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  whats a bus flip?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  idk but apparently i invented it

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  (225): i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip (1-225): whats a bus flip? (225): idk but apparently i invented it http://tfl.nu/n87k
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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  (970): I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it. http://tfl.nu/8hng
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  it was like fucking gandolphs beard

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  (405): it was like fucking gandolphs beard http://tfl.nu/vnqc
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?

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  (402): So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy? http://tfl.nu/0629
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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  (305): Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever (615): She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister http://tfl.nu/5zux
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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  (704): see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it http://tfl.nu/o2df
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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  (416): He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high. http://tfl.nu/zw5l
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.

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  (770): Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again. http://tfl.nu/e3vl
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.

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  (609): girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her. http://tfl.nu/7glm
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  (914): View more from New York

  at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.

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  (914): at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors. http://tfl.nu/h61j
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.

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  (989): i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole. http://tfl.nu/0fwa
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  (716): View more from New York

  Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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  (716): Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?! http://tfl.nu/vv8e
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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  (225): Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas http://tfl.nu/fkrh
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Why am I in a dog kennel?

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  It was for your own safety

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  (803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  And that worked?

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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  (919): So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night. (1-919): And that worked? (919): 9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards. http://tfl.nu/moso
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.

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  (540): she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated. http://tfl.nu/qt45
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  (760): View more from California

  What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo

  (619): View more from California

  Cremation, why do you ask?

  (760): View more from California

  I think we have a bit of a problem

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  (760): What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo (619): Cremation, why do you ask? (760): I think we have a bit of a problem http://tfl.nu/6d26
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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  (703): I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense http://tfl.nu/aaqg
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  (713): View more from Texas

  We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.

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  (713): We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10. http://tfl.nu/4t0m
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever

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  (434): The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever http://tfl.nu/goyi
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

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  (512): Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas http://tfl.nu/5abk
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.

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  (614): i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious. http://tfl.nu/avof
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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  (808): Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy" http://tfl.nu/zdbd
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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  (201): My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them http://tfl.nu/2uni
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

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  (201): My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud? http://tfl.nu/2vhi
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  (408): View more from California

  worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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  (408): worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum http://tfl.nu/fisn
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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  (970): Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today. http://tfl.nu/sid7
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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  (416): Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck. http://tfl.nu/lba2
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  (214): View more from Texas

  new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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  (214): new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5. http://tfl.nu/1dnu
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.

  (561): View more from Florida

  He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.

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  (561): I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class. (561): He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it. http://tfl.nu/mjkl
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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  (301): let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child." http://tfl.nu/sqg2
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking

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  (843): Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking http://tfl.nu/l9zh
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes

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  (610): I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes http://tfl.nu/8prz
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.

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  (816): Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm. http://tfl.nu/bk02
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

  (914): View more from New York

  that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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  (908): i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back (914): that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart http://tfl.nu/d09e
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.

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  (615): He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat. http://tfl.nu/bfbd
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  (845): View more from New York

  Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.

  (716): View more from New York

  gotta love spring break

  (845): View more from New York

  gotta love slutty girls from the south

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  (845): Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy. (716): gotta love spring break (845): gotta love slutty girls from the south http://tfl.nu/ze0i
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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  (863): I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex.. http://tfl.nu/ynb7
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  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (941): View more from Florida

  i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket

  (212): View more from New York

  Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......

  (212): View more from New York

  Really

  (941): View more from Florida

  You win

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  (941): i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket (212): Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants...... (212): Really (941): You win http://tfl.nu/2qfe
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  "Monday" is guna come over...

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  but its Thursday?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go

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  (225): "Monday" is guna come over... (1-225): but its Thursday? (225): yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go http://tfl.nu/xdyf
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She is in my trunk

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  (630): She is in my trunk http://tfl.nu/i8uz
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  You're my little dorito

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  (269): You're my little dorito http://tfl.nu/8gay
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  where are my pants?

  (1-219): View more from Indiana

  you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm

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  (219): where are my pants? (1-219): you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm http://tfl.nu/h936
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.

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  (512): I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me. http://tfl.nu/h7ic
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?

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  (202): Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded? http://tfl.nu/h9bc
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.

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  (803): i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move. http://tfl.nu/ml5e
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

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  (308): I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose. http://tfl.nu/x4bb
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...

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  (636): this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for... http://tfl.nu/dqoy
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  just survived the first fart of the relationship.

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  (719): just survived the first fart of the relationship. http://tfl.nu/r3p3
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

  (703): View more from Virginia

  It's the American dream

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  (202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US (703): It's the American dream http://tfl.nu/z0hb
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