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Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
where are you?
Hypothermia
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
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