you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...