Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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