Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He felt like a one man threesome
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Soap is not a condiment
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.