1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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