The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Houston, we have a blender
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Deaf chicks here I come
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.