I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Less talking, more tequila
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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