Texts From Last Night

Jules1246's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again. http://tfl.nu/m5jy
  Replies (5) Good night (1738) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call. http://tfl.nu/mofx
  Replies (11) Good night (3491) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock" http://tfl.nu/hp1z
  Replies (26) Good night (4654) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently. http://tfl.nu/q1xe
  Replies (1) Good night (905) Bad night (729) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem http://tfl.nu/ll71
  Replies (6) Good night (3054) Bad night (509) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!" http://tfl.nu/5ib0
  Replies (19) Good night (3491) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world. (303): Welcome to America. You're gonna love it. http://tfl.nu/yt2w
  Replies (13) Good night (2754) Bad night (361)
• Favorite

  (450): View more from Quebec

  She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (450): She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do... http://tfl.nu/okgn
  Replies (10) Good night (3259) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.

  (1-607): View more from New York

  Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid. (1-607): Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late. http://tfl.nu/e8gd
  Replies (8) Good night (1752) Bad night (563)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point. http://tfl.nu/l1mt
  Replies (10) Good night (2382) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

  (1-419): View more from Ohio

  Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate? (1-419): Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly. http://tfl.nu/ok5v
  Replies (20) Good night (3116) Bad night (424) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless http://tfl.nu/uuhp
  Replies (18) Good night (3755) Bad night (461)
• Favorite

  (213): View more from California

  Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

  (1-213): View more from California

  best text I've received ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (213): Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon. (1-213): best text I've received ever. http://tfl.nu/3obm
  Replies (16) Good night (4721) Bad night (539) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five. http://tfl.nu/vwra
  Replies (8) Good night (2344) Bad night (696) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago. http://tfl.nu/3f70
  Replies (5) Good night (3029) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable. http://tfl.nu/maf5
  Replies (22) Good night (4227) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm pregnant.

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): I'm pregnant. (1-407): The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number??? http://tfl.nu/ivb7
  Replies (17) Good night (1527) Bad night (2124) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73. http://tfl.nu/mdyq
  Replies (14) Good night (2576) Bad night (622) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance http://tfl.nu/d5xa
  Replies (14) Good night (2864) Bad night (446)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness. http://tfl.nu/0ech
  Replies (15) Good night (2829) Bad night (356) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me? http://tfl.nu/yci0
  Replies (16) Good night (3689) Bad night (414)
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house? http://tfl.nu/arpl
  Replies (14) Good night (3794) Bad night (486)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  do we own a ladder

  (206): View more from Washington

  We do not.

  (360): View more from Washington

  then how am i on the roof

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): do we own a ladder (206): We do not. (360): then how am i on the roof http://tfl.nu/xqbq
  Replies (18) Good night (5454) Bad night (515)
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious http://tfl.nu/hhr4
  Replies (9) Good night (1962) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Did it work?

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over. (336): Did it work? (918): Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door. http://tfl.nu/swzf
  Replies (8) Good night (2875) Bad night (415)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this. http://tfl.nu/x8z4
  Replies (15) Good night (2942) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra" http://tfl.nu/4lmh
  Replies (8) Good night (3574) Bad night (336)
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor. http://tfl.nu/wceh
  Replies (9) Good night (3578) Bad night (869)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo. http://tfl.nu/ouwj
  Replies (25) Good night (4094) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you http://tfl.nu/813g
  Replies (23) Good night (4180) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm. http://tfl.nu/vdhu
  Replies (15) Good night (4657) Bad night (532)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Make me a sandwich

  (301): View more from Maryland

  The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Make me a sandwich (301): The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich. http://tfl.nu/al2a
  Replies (26) Good night (5919) Bad night (579)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome. http://tfl.nu/h8r4
  Replies (13) Good night (4803) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I'm wearing red that night.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Noted, what shade?

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Whore.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): I'm wearing red that night. (301): Noted, what shade? (202): Whore. http://tfl.nu/7182
  Replies (9) Good night (3631) Bad night (588)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): I love you more than champagne and correct grammar http://tfl.nu/3165
  Replies (19) Good night (3715) Bad night (655) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Where are you?

  (512): View more from Texas

  Jimmy John's.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): There are so many Jimmy John's employees here (1-512): Where are you? (512): Jimmy John's. http://tfl.nu/2l3c
  Replies (10) Good night (5600) Bad night (674)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
  Replies (20) Good night (8013) Bad night (824)
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying http://tfl.nu/ewgt
  Replies (10) Good night (2157) Bad night (538)
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas http://tfl.nu/7a5h
  Replies (9) Good night (1416) Bad night (619) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI. http://tfl.nu/5z2o
  Replies (6) Good night (1825) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies." (401): I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are. http://tfl.nu/26v4
  Replies (17) Good night (4945) Bad night (710)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever. http://tfl.nu/t5e0
  Replies (18) Good night (5311) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (339): Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys. http://tfl.nu/p4yk
  Replies (20) Good night (5939) Bad night (653)
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates. http://tfl.nu/cot7
  Replies (25) Good night (5829) Bad night (853) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right? http://tfl.nu/iw36
  Replies (20) Good night (3352) Bad night (988) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Why didn't I see you last night!?

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Why didn't I see you last night!? (1-203): We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you. http://tfl.nu/iqgq
  Replies (6) Good night (5074) Bad night (570) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well. http://tfl.nu/39wu
  Replies (20) Good night (7407) Bad night (553)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE (1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to. http://tfl.nu/xeyh
  Replies (15) Good night (4243) Bad night (729) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me. http://tfl.nu/euwh
  Replies (30) Good night (4659) Bad night (831)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited. http://tfl.nu/2tlf
  Replies (20) Good night (6642) Bad night (710) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks. http://tfl.nu/z0r2
  Replies (22) Good night (624) Bad night (3107) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited. http://tfl.nu/jdnb
  Replies (24) Good night (5212) Bad night (880) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away. http://tfl.nu/k6q1
  Replies (13) Good night (6282) Bad night (788)
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with http://tfl.nu/1h68
  Replies (5) Good night (1525) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face". http://tfl.nu/rfcu
  Replies (6) Good night (1927) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes. http://tfl.nu/j2g5
  Replies (21) Good night (4151) Bad night (696) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something? http://tfl.nu/hj44
  Replies (17) Good night (4468) Bad night (1087) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her. http://tfl.nu/knz9
  Replies (9) Good night (5613) Bad night (538) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (228): He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good" http://tfl.nu/hwu1
  Replies (33) Good night (6576) Bad night (975) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What time did you start drinking?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe isn't a time...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): What time did you start drinking? (978): Maybe. (617): Maybe isn't a time... http://tfl.nu/r4p5
  Replies (14) Good night (5890) Bad night (643)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country http://tfl.nu/u6pi
  Replies (27) Good night (4432) Bad night (669) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is." http://tfl.nu/8j8j
  Replies (34) Good night (5657) Bad night (1196) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Career choice validated

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!" (732): Career choice validated http://tfl.nu/g765
  Replies (51) Good night (9306) Bad night (866)
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
  Replies (485) Good night (173322) Bad night (6945) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals http://tfl.nu/rxm6
  Replies (15) Good night (3952) Bad night (1150) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Sorry. Im on my way.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face. (262): Sorry. Im on my way. http://tfl.nu/us1r
  Replies (22) Good night (5923) Bad night (750)
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from http://tfl.nu/ac6d
  Replies (9) Good night (720) Bad night (3145) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly. http://tfl.nu/kesy
  Replies (11) Good night (2293) Bad night (533)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13. http://tfl.nu/mb7j
  Replies (13) Good night (8188) Bad night (850) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume. http://tfl.nu/g5bo
  Replies (10) Good night (1948) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (574): View more from Indiana

  I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (574): I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus. http://tfl.nu/ya8h
  Replies (4) Good night (2234) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
  Replies (156) Good night (6831) Bad night (40851)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Two?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Two.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs. (1-404): Two? (404): Two. http://tfl.nu/opzf
  Replies (260) Good night (4000) Bad night (78277)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
  Replies (144) Good night (39958) Bad night (1336) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
  Replies (87) Good night (51391) Bad night (3163) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
  Replies (182) Good night (51608) Bad night (1889)
• Favorite

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
  Replies (214) Good night (51307) Bad night (2617) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
  Replies (280) Good night (54096) Bad night (4435) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
  Replies (131) Good night (60978) Bad night (1927) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
  Replies (235) Good night (64955) Bad night (2544)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (297) Good night (73540) Bad night (2506) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
  Replies (204) Good night (86592) Bad night (7141)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
  Replies (179) Good night (86016) Bad night (3113) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
  Replies (182) Good night (93615) Bad night (4623)
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
  Replies (383) Good night (128558) Bad night (4085) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working. http://tfl.nu/9caj
  Replies (8) Good night (4427) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  You are such a cockblock sometimes

  (661): View more from California

  You NEED a cockblock sometimes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): You are such a cockblock sometimes (661): You NEED a cockblock sometimes http://tfl.nu/zl8e
  Replies (10) Good night (4432) Bad night (840)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off http://tfl.nu/ws61
  Replies (7) Good night (4973) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

  (1-916): View more from California

  Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room? (1-916): Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne. http://tfl.nu/vsj8
  Replies (10) Good night (4835) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero. http://tfl.nu/wa7o
  Replies (17) Good night (4901) Bad night (562)
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten. http://tfl.nu/1asa
  Replies (13) Good night (5524) Bad night (638)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (833) Good night (142363) Bad night (9363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW. http://tfl.nu/hy3p
  Replies (6) Good night (2287) Bad night (878)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it. http://tfl.nu/ip0c
  Replies (6) Good night (1785) Bad night (629) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired. http://tfl.nu/sykd
  Replies (1) Good night (2351) Bad night (626)
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves. http://tfl.nu/fl2d
  Replies (11) Good night (2890) Bad night (706) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana. http://tfl.nu/zk8n
  Replies (6) Good night (2854) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet http://tfl.nu/acf5
  Replies (1) Good night (2126) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation. http://tfl.nu/dzey
  Replies (5) Good night (2256) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion http://tfl.nu/golc
  Replies (263) Good night (3419) Bad night (31237) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days http://tfl.nu/nte6
  Replies (9) Good night (2538) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer" http://tfl.nu/7qtl
  Replies (11) Good night (2624) Bad night (445) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (903): View more from Texas

  Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (903): Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me http://tfl.nu/adub
  Replies (6) Good night (3977) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school. http://tfl.nu/ax1k
  Replies (14) Good night (3784) Bad night (763)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro. http://tfl.nu/3s7e
  Replies (9) Good night (2982) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
  Replies (85) Good night (3290) Bad night (39467) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
  Replies (225) Good night (7548) Bad night (72229)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Me toooooo!! Margaritas

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach (630): Me toooooo!! Margaritas (773): I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good http://tfl.nu/3y14
  Replies (51) Good night (1157) Bad night (3649)
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine http://tfl.nu/asqo
  Replies (36) Good night (2054) Bad night (4008) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself. http://tfl.nu/70br
  Replies (13) Good night (3135) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math. http://tfl.nu/nfyi
  Replies (3) Good night (1354) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy? http://tfl.nu/waaq
  Replies (14) Good night (3112) Bad night (1050) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  the wall and i were having dominance issues.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): the wall and i were having dominance issues. http://tfl.nu/itlm
  Replies (7) Good night (2261) Bad night (1586) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded. http://tfl.nu/om7e
  Replies (9) Good night (3199) Bad night (1055) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur http://tfl.nu/llqd
  Replies (8) Good night (4819) Bad night (1035) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day. http://tfl.nu/m69g
  Replies (10) Good night (3453) Bad night (869)
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/89bk
  Replies (154) Good night (1474) Bad night (40414) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced. http://tfl.nu/voth
  Replies (28) Good night (1112) Bad night (5081) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers http://tfl.nu/bomc
  Replies (14) Good night (3937) Bad night (753)
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (858): ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL http://tfl.nu/gcph
  Replies (7) Good night (1617) Bad night (790) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/e4gb
  Replies (8) Good night (1779) Bad night (669) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine http://tfl.nu/6flp
  Replies (12) Good night (987) Bad night (3640) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus. http://tfl.nu/vafe
  Replies (5) Good night (4616) Bad night (593)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you' http://tfl.nu/ael6
  Replies (25) Good night (2612) Bad night (5486) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Howd you meet this guy?

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Howd you meet this guy? (612): I found him next to my pants on sunday morn. http://tfl.nu/y9t4
  Replies (6) Good night (5577) Bad night (1843)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in? http://tfl.nu/3561
  Replies (18) Good night (5997) Bad night (1245) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night. http://tfl.nu/oi63
  Replies (6) Good night (2557) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out http://tfl.nu/lg4i
  Replies (7) Good night (2005) Bad night (639)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it http://tfl.nu/mg8o
  Replies (8) Good night (3231) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  it is a toga and you are a goddess.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted (1-615): it is a toga and you are a goddess. http://tfl.nu/2t04
  Replies (15) Good night (4702) Bad night (688) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob. http://tfl.nu/4q4p
  Replies (9) Good night (1768) Bad night (954)