Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The beer is more important than you right now.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
