He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm passing your future prison.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.