I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
