well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.