Texts From Last Night · gogjgfj's Favorites

Sorry nickbergman hasn't picked any favorites yet.

gogjgfj's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(919): View more from North Carolina

if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?

Fav 4 1050 592
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

Fav 28 4820 1182
share tweet

(202): View more from Washington, DC

With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.

Fav 9 1194 610
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.

Fav 2 433 1002
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

He smells so good today

(1-641): View more from Iowa

Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.

Fav 13 2425 1025
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.

Fav 3 1172 664
share tweet

(812): View more from Indiana

after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..

Fav 15 1047 2715
share tweet

(440): View more from Ohio

did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?

Fav 8 1710 682
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.

Fav 10 1087 613
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple

Fav 3 763 479
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?

Fav 5 2181 994
share tweet

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

Fav 11 4620 1222
share tweet

(519): View more from Ontario

It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.

Fav 8 2880 966
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

(310): View more from California

Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

Fav 12 3224 1111
share tweet

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.

Fav 3 1328 704
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.

Fav 6 1414 645
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

Fav 22 4099 1433
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.

Fav 4 3393 1059
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

Fav 28 3402 1552
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.

Fav 7 3026 837
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.

Fav 5 1621 993
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

Fav 8 4088 1132
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Why were you not born a dude?

(1-727): View more from Florida

Because god wanted to level the playing field

Fav 3 1323 590
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.

Fav 11 969 632
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads

Fav 10 2163 1386
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.

Fav 16 2888 949
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this

Fav 6 1603 823
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.

Fav 2 883 600
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.

Fav 2 1013 534
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.

Fav 7 1974 870
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.

Fav 6 1633 816
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis

Fav 5 2808 957
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND

Fav 32 1989 3846
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.

Fav 8 4268 1005
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.

Fav 6 3221 959
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.

Fav 7 634 935
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.

Fav 7 1041 758
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Are you wearing clothes?

(425): View more from Washington

Fuck no, who do you think I am

Fav 6 1985 672
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love

Fav 14 4187 1532
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?

Fav 9 1295 581
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Han Solo would be ashamed of me.

Fav 7 794 688
share tweet
(650): View more from California

You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever

Fav 4 2256 699
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.

Fav 7 1940 760
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.

Fav 7 1221 3291
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck

Fav 6 2316 819
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."

Fav 6 2805 1002
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.

Fav 2 976 575
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did you want to do any of that?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.

Fav 4 1477 993
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

Fav 10 2230 829
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

Fav 12 4533 1799
share tweet
(779): View more from Illinois

I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

Fav 8 2545 828
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.

(615): View more from Tennessee

My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.

Fav 3 1102 535
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!

Fav 14 1017 886
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I am lonely and I want to touch your beard

Fav 8 1966 932
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.

Fav 8 3437 1414
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

Fav 14 2790 1015
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"

Fav 5 2914 849
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Did strip banana grams actually happen last night

Fav 5 1677 1091
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.

Fav 3 1363 734
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time

Fav 6 1714 628
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.

Fav 2 1046 527
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

He's the conductor of the struggle bus

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS

Fav 6 1087 606
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...

Fav 7 1093 570
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.

Fav 3 1442 581
share tweet
(760): View more from California

So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.

Fav 6 1712 601
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.

Fav 5 1651 659
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Basically.

Fav 8 3249 838
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.

Fav 2 1260 651
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

Fav 11 3019 846
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.

Fav 11 2994 803
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

Fav 11 3084 885
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?

Fav 8 1427 652
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.

Fav 6 1452 664
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.

Fav 13 1898 964
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

Fav 25 3195 934
share tweet
(424): View more from California

I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.

(479): View more from Arkansas

This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.

Fav 8 1919 693
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

Fav 9 4124 1077
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

Fav 14 4285 837
share tweet
(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

Fav 13 3673 969
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

Fav 15 4428 823
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.

Fav 9 1678 802
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...

Fav 3 1187 848
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?

Fav 11 3230 1413
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I had him autograph the condom wrapper.

Fav 8 2053 881
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.

Fav 5 945 1580
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by

(256): View more from Alabama

he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch

Fav 13 2357 1041
share tweet
(657): View more from California

He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.

Fav 8 2363 1114
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

Fav 21 4963 1877
share tweet
(916): View more from California

the gays at disneyland are vicious

Fav 13 2110 966
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

Fav 13 3062 980
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK

Fav 7 2422 1009
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.

Fav 19 1844 823
share tweet
(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

Fav 37 10258 2619
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

Fav 9 4571 1232
share tweet
(427): View more from

Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.

Fav 2 861 1247
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?

Fav 2 1439 682
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

Fav 15 2936 781
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.

Fav 13 1709 910
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.

Fav 5 2868 854
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

Fav 62 3684 5437
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.

Fav 5 2842 921
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension

Fav 12 2009 1075
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She's just so happy...and so naked.

Fav 3 3146 836
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?

Fav 6 3467 1011
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?

Fav 3 1566 710
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker

Fav 6 2582 797
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.

Fav 4 1684 805
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.

Fav 15 1507 1096
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.

Fav 12 1577 742
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.

Fav 3 2166 855
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.

(585): View more from New York

Find him and marry him.

Fav 5 2652 869
share tweet
(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

Fav 11 2302 898
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

Fav 9 2481 1091
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti

Fav 1 1385 834
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"

(864): View more from South Carolina

Olive Garden will never be the same.

Fav 10 2160 1136
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night

Fav 3 1681 682
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire

Fav 5 1611 713
share tweet
(760): View more from California

The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter

Fav 6 1301 848
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up

Fav 5 1375 831
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary

Fav 8 1432 743
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.

Fav 8 2753 870
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

And I might get them triple pierced after that

(631): View more from New York

Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors

Fav 13 1384 802
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.

Fav 5 2298 913
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.

Fav 1 1061 790
share tweet
(+88): View more from

I swear the crows are laughing at me.

(1+88): View more from

You my friend are stoned into submission

Fav 8 1337 751
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

Fav 11 5125 1486
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.

Fav 7 1017 1273
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?

Fav 14 1250 1376
share tweet
(916): View more from California

When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.

(1-916): View more from California

Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off

Fav 3 1628 822
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.

Fav 8 942 1894
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's gameday bitch. Man up.

Fav 2 1732 923
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.

(1-607): View more from New York

Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.

Fav 8 2233 1016
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"

Fav 7 1080 1346
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.

Fav 7 1710 966
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"

(845): View more from New York

where do u find these people!?

Fav 8 2988 1170
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Show him your tits if he says no

(1-209): View more from California

They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.

Fav 8 2398 1268
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

Fav 18 6100 1088
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

Fav 21 10801 1963
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

Fav 50 18543 1574
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

Fav 20 6379 1637
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

Fav 11 3267 1084
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland

Fav 7 1675 830
share tweet
(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

Fav 21 7791 1517
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

Fav 24 6507 1542
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

Fav 14 7515 1781
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.

Fav 4 2062 1407
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.

Fav 3 2107 1342
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

Fav 15 5654 1770
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.

Fav 8 3060 1127
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.

Fav 6 1830 948
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

Fav 8 2250 951
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

Fav 3 2463 882
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there

Fav 6 2513 859
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...

Fav 5 2623 939
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home

Fav 10 2289 705
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

Fav 51 10051 1431
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.

Fav 9 1729 905
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

Fav 18 8174 1568
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

Fav 49 18406 2230
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

Fav 182 22028 3256
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Fav 36 22414 3678
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

Fav 125 44243 1940
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53251 2388
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53795 3109
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61947 8178
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

Fav 179 88553 4084
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76384 3435
share tweet