Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
