I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
bring money and cleavage
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole