I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
They have beer where we have blood.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
