where are you?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i wish my penis had a tongue
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I intend to get homeless drunk
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk