I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i love accidental penises.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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