What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE