Texts From Last Night

Mr_Flintstone's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy. http://tfl.nu/0mlh
  Replies (14) Good night (2211) Bad night (813) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

  (518): View more from New York

  So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi. (518): So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits? http://tfl.nu/jsif
  Replies (36) Good night (4785) Bad night (851)
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night http://tfl.nu/lrrw
  Replies (18) Good night (2640) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon. http://tfl.nu/nu6w
  Replies (18) Good night (1177) Bad night (1565) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets. http://tfl.nu/s5np
  Replies (9) Good night (3584) Bad night (521)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case http://tfl.nu/1awx
  Replies (3) Good night (1703) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew. http://tfl.nu/vnvf
  Replies (27) Good night (4405) Bad night (1282) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF http://tfl.nu/rz1g
  Replies (19) Good night (3677) Bad night (1304) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles http://tfl.nu/okmw
  Replies (4) Good night (1430) Bad night (994) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Guess what happened to me today at work?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  I have chlamydia. What happened.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): Guess what happened to me today at work? (1-734): I have chlamydia. What happened. (734): Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second. http://tfl.nu/rf53
  Replies (11) Good night (2482) Bad night (1112)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post http://tfl.nu/8lgm
  Replies (17) Good night (2392) Bad night (669)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour. http://tfl.nu/zhs1
  Replies (4) Good night (2377) Bad night (506) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch. http://tfl.nu/5mz7
  Replies (16) Good night (932) Bad night (1443) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen. http://tfl.nu/nu81
  Replies (6) Good night (2139) Bad night (505)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?" http://tfl.nu/78br
  Replies (12) Good night (500) Bad night (1868) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated. http://tfl.nu/6ujy
  Replies (21) Good night (3259) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat http://tfl.nu/dsa2
  Replies (7) Good night (1511) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (432): View more from Texas

  Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (432): Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips?? http://tfl.nu/qj3i
  Replies (9) Good night (1142) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again. http://tfl.nu/vkbm
  Replies (8) Good night (2163) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+52): View more from Mexico

  she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+52): she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico. http://tfl.nu/9tjl
  Replies (11) Good night (2199) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever. http://tfl.nu/t5e0
  Replies (18) Good night (5299) Bad night (544) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (606): Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick. http://tfl.nu/0x12
  Replies (8) Good night (533) Bad night (2046) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus. http://tfl.nu/4ptg
  Replies (18) Good night (2839) Bad night (907) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.

  (1-518): View more from New York

  Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me. (1-518): Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props. http://tfl.nu/pv50
  Replies (5) Good night (2249) Bad night (654)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out. http://tfl.nu/ua1b
  Replies (11) Good night (943) Bad night (1971)
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity. http://tfl.nu/otkw
  Replies (5) Good night (1217) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm? http://tfl.nu/cxi2
  Replies (7) Good night (3363) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing. http://tfl.nu/l5kn
  Replies (9) Good night (789) Bad night (2307)
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now http://tfl.nu/l7gb
  Replies (11) Good night (3444) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem? http://tfl.nu/eu3b
  Replies (21) Good night (3247) Bad night (1110) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper. (1-604): please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night. http://tfl.nu/j80d
  Replies (11) Good night (5263) Bad night (963) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER http://tfl.nu/38g6
  Replies (28) Good night (760) Bad night (3525) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy. http://tfl.nu/ha0a
  Replies (20) Good night (2901) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend. http://tfl.nu/ofwy
  Replies (10) Good night (1711) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder. http://tfl.nu/btge
  Replies (7) Good night (2419) Bad night (786)
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do. http://tfl.nu/zxpe
  Replies (19) Good night (2096) Bad night (783) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it. http://tfl.nu/irby
  Replies (5) Good night (664) Bad night (2712) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Did it finish?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified. (508): Did it finish? http://tfl.nu/ahm8
  Replies (4) Good night (2817) Bad night (673)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you. http://tfl.nu/0abv
  Replies (5) Good night (1810) Bad night (506) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER http://tfl.nu/tbl0
  Replies (13) Good night (3593) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer http://tfl.nu/rqqd
  Replies (24) Good night (2639) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do? http://tfl.nu/00z1
  Replies (10) Good night (2283) Bad night (1141) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina http://tfl.nu/ae28
  Replies (10) Good night (2766) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible http://tfl.nu/fm0j
  Replies (4) Good night (1515) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules. http://tfl.nu/6l2w
  Replies (19) Good night (3091) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday. http://tfl.nu/mk6n
  Replies (14) Good night (1530) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains http://tfl.nu/tyep
  Replies (11) Good night (2428) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often http://tfl.nu/2a6o
  Replies (8) Good night (1642) Bad night (454) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy. http://tfl.nu/xqei
  Replies (11) Good night (3427) Bad night (567)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook http://tfl.nu/xr9p
  Replies (15) Good night (2847) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question..... http://tfl.nu/jtx7
  Replies (7) Good night (3151) Bad night (589)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches." http://tfl.nu/j5or
  Replies (5) Good night (2613) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head http://tfl.nu/u456
  Replies (3) Good night (1185) Bad night (562) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang http://tfl.nu/1oo5
  Replies (12) Good night (3974) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room. http://tfl.nu/k8xh
  Replies (16) Good night (2810) Bad night (826) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth http://tfl.nu/th81
  Replies (14) Good night (2437) Bad night (691)
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now. http://tfl.nu/2p17
  Replies (7) Good night (1786) Bad night (834) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok. http://tfl.nu/1awh
  Replies (10) Good night (2378) Bad night (589) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT. http://tfl.nu/2ujd
  Replies (27) Good night (3259) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days http://tfl.nu/jiwq
  Replies (4) Good night (481) Bad night (1297) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable. http://tfl.nu/h9sq
  Replies (7) Good night (1760) Bad night (532) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (971): View more from Oregon

  He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (971): He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character. http://tfl.nu/w2hk
  Replies (8) Good night (823) Bad night (2147)
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass. http://tfl.nu/hhxz
  Replies (19) Good night (989) Bad night (2997) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

  (949): View more from California

  Midgetier?

  (714): View more from California

  Smaller, yet meaner.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic? (949): Midgetier? (714): Smaller, yet meaner. http://tfl.nu/nr7w
  Replies (12) Good night (3801) Bad night (634)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule. http://tfl.nu/st8v
  Replies (6) Good night (1288) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  I like the way you think.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming. (1-303): I like the way you think. http://tfl.nu/s14n
  Replies (6) Good night (1628) Bad night (472)
• Favorite

  (514): View more from Quebec

  We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (514): We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one... http://tfl.nu/kexj
  Replies (11) Good night (2682) Bad night (645) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT. http://tfl.nu/29iu
  Replies (17) Good night (4160) Bad night (816) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s. http://tfl.nu/orrl
  Replies (3) Good night (2521) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me http://tfl.nu/pe15
  Replies (7) Good night (798) Bad night (1818) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this. http://tfl.nu/akz0
  Replies (8) Good night (1836) Bad night (502)
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge. http://tfl.nu/yr6w
  Replies (4) Good night (547) Bad night (1452) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me. http://tfl.nu/r0al
  Replies (8) Good night (2888) Bad night (462) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid. http://tfl.nu/hx89
  Replies (15) Good night (567) Bad night (3274) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe http://tfl.nu/mnt3
  Replies (5) Good night (1778) Bad night (562)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you? http://tfl.nu/64mv
  Replies (7) Good night (2429) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4. http://tfl.nu/ltz1
  Replies (4) Good night (531) Bad night (1761) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite. http://tfl.nu/tnfr
  Replies (9) Good night (3841) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers. http://tfl.nu/28i2
  Replies (22) Good night (1056) Bad night (1667) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing http://tfl.nu/dbp3
  Replies (6) Good night (1190) Bad night (2348) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun. http://tfl.nu/d4m3
  Replies (21) Good night (2585) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (575): View more from New Mexico

  You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (575): You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup. http://tfl.nu/dggj
  Replies (4) Good night (4129) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): I feel like I just tasted lung cancer. http://tfl.nu/g1s0
  Replies (5) Good night (756) Bad night (2142) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport???? http://tfl.nu/yffg
  Replies (11) Good night (752) Bad night (3157)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What time did you start drinking?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe isn't a time...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): What time did you start drinking? (978): Maybe. (617): Maybe isn't a time... http://tfl.nu/r4p5
  Replies (14) Good night (5872) Bad night (630)
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS. http://tfl.nu/gw0q
  Replies (21) Good night (3069) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella. http://tfl.nu/lhln
  Replies (10) Good night (3637) Bad night (609)
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab. http://tfl.nu/cfiv
  Replies (7) Good night (1898) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck. http://tfl.nu/kvtv
  Replies (10) Good night (2365) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew. http://tfl.nu/8r8n
  Replies (31) Good night (3494) Bad night (1262) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (228): He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good" http://tfl.nu/hwu1
  Replies (33) Good night (6558) Bad night (965) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited. http://tfl.nu/2tlf
  Replies (20) Good night (6621) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking http://tfl.nu/6gnv
  Replies (15) Good night (2363) Bad night (826) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
  Replies (41) Good night (7977) Bad night (1034) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you. http://tfl.nu/6utw
  Replies (18) Good night (2783) Bad night (814)
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green. http://tfl.nu/e68o
  Replies (13) Good night (4044) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (936): View more from Texas

  To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (936): To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex. http://tfl.nu/0t9p
  Replies (24) Good night (4998) Bad night (758) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial http://tfl.nu/xnww
  Replies (3) Good night (1417) Bad night (1141) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  yeah you don't forget that shit easily

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"? (1-651): yeah you don't forget that shit easily (651): We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email. http://tfl.nu/xfpa
  Replies (11) Good night (4570) Bad night (551)
• Favorite

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (985): He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period. http://tfl.nu/gmxu
  Replies (9) Good night (2840) Bad night (1071) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!? http://tfl.nu/bzp6
  Replies (10) Good night (1680) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Career choice validated

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!" (732): Career choice validated http://tfl.nu/g765
  Replies (51) Good night (9284) Bad night (857)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/nr8v
  Replies (12) Good night (2843) Bad night (1262) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside. http://tfl.nu/x4yl
  Replies (5) Good night (1493) Bad night (715) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18. http://tfl.nu/z1g3
  Replies (14) Good night (3295) Bad night (565)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  tequila?

  (317): View more from Indiana

  yep

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus (1-317): tequila? (317): yep http://tfl.nu/cmfp
  Replies (3) Good night (1678) Bad night (492)
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy http://tfl.nu/uoz8
  Replies (3) Good night (1034) Bad night (1112) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin. http://tfl.nu/1p6f
  Replies (16) Good night (792) Bad night (2022) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me. http://tfl.nu/23ps
  Replies (8) Good night (3882) Bad night (626)
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice! http://tfl.nu/fa1l
  Replies (7) Good night (3065) Bad night (483)
• Favorite

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (507): we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine http://tfl.nu/vvgu
  Replies (7) Good night (2164) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls. http://tfl.nu/cfx1
  Replies (7) Good night (1912) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk. http://tfl.nu/dygh
  Replies (2) Good night (2135) Bad night (498)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you. http://tfl.nu/dykx
  Replies (8) Good night (3267) Bad night (666)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
  Replies (21) Good night (6766) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye. http://tfl.nu/8nzh
  Replies (4) Good night (598) Bad night (1076) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (432): View more from Texas

  This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (432): This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire. http://tfl.nu/8ui6
  Replies (10) Good night (2073) Bad night (995)
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me. http://tfl.nu/pfoh
  Replies (7) Good night (3088) Bad night (768) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop http://tfl.nu/g9k9
  Replies (6) Good night (1814) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone (1-540): I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her http://tfl.nu/pf86
  Replies (27) Good night (3686) Bad night (1088) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car http://tfl.nu/ipv6
  Replies (3) Good night (1892) Bad night (526) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!! http://tfl.nu/3a3w
  Replies (4) Good night (1190) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA http://tfl.nu/xnrm
  Replies (6) Good night (768) Bad night (1937) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea". http://tfl.nu/c66k
  Replies (5) Good night (2142) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight. http://tfl.nu/r24v
  Replies (16) Good night (1989) Bad night (1040) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes http://tfl.nu/khy3
  Replies (7) Good night (2171) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face http://tfl.nu/mow6
  Replies (7) Good night (557) Bad night (1779) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it. http://tfl.nu/n6h2
  Replies (18) Good night (3478) Bad night (964) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference. http://tfl.nu/hvve
  Replies (4) Good night (2511) Bad night (527)
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't. http://tfl.nu/8mv6
  Replies (13) Good night (4194) Bad night (1282)
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom. http://tfl.nu/d15a
  Replies (15) Good night (2176) Bad night (725)
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent" http://tfl.nu/6trp
  Replies (6) Good night (1207) Bad night (2548) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (228): Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis. http://tfl.nu/q40e
  Replies (15) Good night (4908) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13. http://tfl.nu/mb7j
  Replies (13) Good night (8158) Bad night (826) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you." http://tfl.nu/wg5q
  Replies (9) Good night (1487) Bad night (1645)
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (51682) Bad night (2730) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me. http://tfl.nu/ryot
  Replies (7) Good night (1976) Bad night (629) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright. http://tfl.nu/jxj8
  Replies (6) Good night (2624) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers. http://tfl.nu/y8q2
  Replies (9) Good night (1882) Bad night (1373) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face http://tfl.nu/qofd
  Replies (9) Good night (1894) Bad night (1153) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish" http://tfl.nu/8ky3
  Replies (10) Good night (2845) Bad night (1038) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend... http://tfl.nu/oued
  Replies (10) Good night (4228) Bad night (858) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast. http://tfl.nu/j7ef
  Replies (14) Good night (4589) Bad night (933) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU. http://tfl.nu/rhle
  Replies (16) Good night (5197) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here". http://tfl.nu/11k9
  Replies (5) Good night (2324) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage" http://tfl.nu/fr69
  Replies (16) Good night (8696) Bad night (1014)
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you. http://tfl.nu/u1yg
  Replies (12) Good night (6822) Bad night (1325) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
  Replies (53) Good night (72034) Bad night (2121) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (297) Good night (73367) Bad night (2463) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck. http://tfl.nu/0ivr
  Replies (11) Good night (4558) Bad night (1124) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck http://tfl.nu/nvzw
  Replies (20) Good night (6177) Bad night (1307) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar. http://tfl.nu/vsf5
  Replies (9) Good night (3438) Bad night (900)
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter. http://tfl.nu/2ees
  Replies (26) Good night (1471) Bad night (15965) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
  Replies (65) Good night (20504) Bad night (1811) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson" http://tfl.nu/itij
  Replies (11) Good night (7509) Bad night (863) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear. http://tfl.nu/517j
  Replies (9) Good night (1250) Bad night (4272) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51561) Bad night (2261)