You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Houston, we have a squirter
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.