I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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