No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i've created a new STD.
be right there i have to get my cape
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
This is classic penis vs brain.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just want nice things and good sex
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You have to summon your inner elephant
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen