i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
i dont own pink underwear
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"