doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
