I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
D3 body, D1 cock
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Girls should come with a carfax report
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.