no, he came in my armpit
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
