I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.