No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
it glows. i had to have it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.