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I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
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