Texts From Last Night

SDBear2010's Favorites Texts:

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  (207): View more from Maine

  At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.

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  (207): At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/nn7l
  Replies (9) Good night (1994) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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  (619): Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time. http://tfl.nu/4w7h
  Replies (21) Good night (2560) Bad night (1095) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude

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  (907): I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude http://tfl.nu/0pzh
  Replies (9) Good night (2180) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.

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  (805): Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren. http://tfl.nu/c1hy
  Replies (3) Good night (2177) Bad night (1026) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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  (716): I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine. http://tfl.nu/zg3z
  Replies (9) Good night (3595) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.

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  (248): You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual. http://tfl.nu/weeh
  Replies (4) Good night (2447) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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  (856): 12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong. (856): Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits http://tfl.nu/ncaq
  Replies (19) Good night (5006) Bad night (680)
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

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  (574): Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things. http://tfl.nu/zj1a
  Replies (6) Good night (2780) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome

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  (925): After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome http://tfl.nu/nygq
  Replies (10) Good night (3829) Bad night (1104) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.

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  (215): I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore. http://tfl.nu/m8nz
  Replies (9) Good night (2763) Bad night (712) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

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  (740): Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed? http://tfl.nu/4keg
  Replies (12) Good night (2711) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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  (318): We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed.. http://tfl.nu/orkv
  Replies (3) Good night (3887) Bad night (955) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!

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  (502): Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it! http://tfl.nu/c7ri
  Replies (7) Good night (3167) Bad night (810)
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  (213): View more from California

  The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.

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  (213): The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out. http://tfl.nu/jmae
  Replies (4) Good night (2053) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

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  (713): I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me. http://tfl.nu/0ubs
  Replies (10) Good night (3767) Bad night (886) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.

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  (702): I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat. http://tfl.nu/7ors
  Replies (13) Good night (4055) Bad night (996) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.

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  (503): He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis. http://tfl.nu/tjtk
  Replies (4) Good night (1125) Bad night (1739) Order T-Shirt
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'

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  (+31): The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?' http://tfl.nu/vspz
  Replies (6) Good night (2586) Bad night (682) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.

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  (765): Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night. http://tfl.nu/go9e
  Replies (3) Good night (2601) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.

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  (256): So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen. http://tfl.nu/ty3k
  Replies (3) Good night (2382) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.

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  (713): Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day. http://tfl.nu/o38r
  Replies (4) Good night (1890) Bad night (633) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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  (978): Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat http://tfl.nu/fgz1
  Replies (17) Good night (4168) Bad night (939)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.

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  (817): Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass. http://tfl.nu/wbhi
  Replies (18) Good night (3469) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you

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  (262): he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you http://tfl.nu/6gzr
  Replies (6) Good night (680) Bad night (2222) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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  (216): he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone http://tfl.nu/anp6
  Replies (5) Good night (4044) Bad night (976) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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  (+44): he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window http://tfl.nu/rkda
  Replies (10) Good night (2877) Bad night (1215) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'

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  (217): I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem' http://tfl.nu/0jvg
  Replies (22) Good night (1748) Bad night (3228) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta

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  (814): She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta http://tfl.nu/cr5h
  Replies (8) Good night (3597) Bad night (1133) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.

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  (605): Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever. http://tfl.nu/1cen
  Replies (14) Good night (3382) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this

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  (416): Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this http://tfl.nu/tjbd
  Replies (11) Good night (1869) Bad night (778) Order T-Shirt
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME

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  (229): They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME http://tfl.nu/jm4f
  Replies (5) Good night (1122) Bad night (2074) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

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  (610): Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card. http://tfl.nu/uepf
  Replies (12) Good night (4334) Bad night (741) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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  (402): when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case" http://tfl.nu/zxvf
  Replies (15) Good night (4354) Bad night (3832) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  Is it working?

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  (205): I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless. (1-205): Is it working? http://tfl.nu/ozk1
  Replies (17) Good night (3947) Bad night (911) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.

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  (217): It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way. http://tfl.nu/sqy6
  Replies (5) Good night (2122) Bad night (1419) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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  (215): the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it http://tfl.nu/0kvz
  Replies (13) Good night (4242) Bad night (921) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.

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  (636): I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together. http://tfl.nu/hsqn
  Replies (3) Good night (1733) Bad night (1163) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.

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  (443): we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out. http://tfl.nu/gq5i
  Replies (9) Good night (2349) Bad night (659) Order T-Shirt
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.

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  (819): I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened. http://tfl.nu/vyw7
  Replies (4) Good night (2153) Bad night (603) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER

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  (678): We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER http://tfl.nu/fxy8
  Replies (7) Good night (2286) Bad night (603) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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  (810): We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock. http://tfl.nu/wrss
  Replies (14) Good night (3274) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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  (515): Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker. http://tfl.nu/28bg
  Replies (18) Good night (6420) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.

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  (610): So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though. http://tfl.nu/xgce
  Replies (5) Good night (2207) Bad night (1276)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

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  (806): For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so. http://tfl.nu/nluj
  Replies (7) Good night (3259) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

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  (803): There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together... http://tfl.nu/sic1
  Replies (13) Good night (4882) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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  (805): I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly. http://tfl.nu/8ih5
  Replies (45) Good night (9759) Bad night (1083) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious

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  (605): Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious http://tfl.nu/m6oe
  Replies (9) Good night (4250) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work

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  (619): yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work http://tfl.nu/e66y
  Replies (11) Good night (3776) Bad night (776) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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  (907): He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron. http://tfl.nu/g77l
  Replies (15) Good night (4215) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub

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  (410): In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub http://tfl.nu/jeln
  Replies (5) Good night (2016) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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  (904): Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke? http://tfl.nu/8orw
  Replies (19) Good night (3807) Bad night (1162) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".

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  (404): Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth". http://tfl.nu/9ke1
  Replies (19) Good night (2619) Bad night (1366) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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  (504): ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town. http://tfl.nu/omo7
  Replies (14) Good night (6141) Bad night (776) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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  (619): He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me. http://tfl.nu/6dyk
  Replies (9) Good night (3149) Bad night (709) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs

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  (307): i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs http://tfl.nu/99qm
  Replies (9) Good night (3234) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.

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  (314): Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen. http://tfl.nu/614c
  Replies (10) Good night (3916) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

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  (501): These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves. http://tfl.nu/s1g0
  Replies (6) Good night (3202) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter

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  (636): there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter http://tfl.nu/6rqt
  Replies (3) Good night (2314) Bad night (849)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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  (414): Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day http://tfl.nu/nn34
  Replies (3) Good night (4748) Bad night (757) Order T-Shirt
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  (658): View more from

  Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk

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  (658): Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk http://tfl.nu/a8a4
  Replies (5) Good night (2412) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men

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  (614): she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men http://tfl.nu/vu2o
  Replies (9) Good night (1026) Bad night (2220) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

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  (920): when life gives you lemons, puke and rally. http://tfl.nu/b13b
  Replies (19) Good night (2714) Bad night (904) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.

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  (613): Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here. http://tfl.nu/o8um
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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  (502): Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead http://tfl.nu/4b2b
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?

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  (732): I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'? http://tfl.nu/6mt1
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  (889): View more from

  found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.

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  (889): found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint. http://tfl.nu/70ee
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window

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  (613): on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window http://tfl.nu/tz9a
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.

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  (703): they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them. http://tfl.nu/6kqz
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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  (210): Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!" http://tfl.nu/xp9i
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  (510): View more from California

  Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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  (510): Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone" http://tfl.nu/xglm
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.

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  (512): I actually had fun getting arrested. That high. http://tfl.nu/ixl1
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  (516): View more from New York

  I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...

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  (516): I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero... http://tfl.nu/d5tx
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  (817): View more from Texas

  He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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  (817): He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here? http://tfl.nu/lydo
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.

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  (773): I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax. http://tfl.nu/p0im
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?

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  (717): Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain? http://tfl.nu/uh45
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  (619): View more from California

  We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"

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  (619): We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober" http://tfl.nu/gqaj
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok

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  (509): I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok http://tfl.nu/3owz
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  (941): View more from Florida

  i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

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  (941): i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet. http://tfl.nu/jjy9
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

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  (765): Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic http://tfl.nu/acyn
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.

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  (504): Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high. http://tfl.nu/srpn
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.

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  (605): I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable. http://tfl.nu/f89d
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.

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  (903): I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times. http://tfl.nu/nwwj
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.

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  (334): He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees. http://tfl.nu/sgqa
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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  (954): Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish. http://tfl.nu/zg18
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.

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  (859): After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me. http://tfl.nu/uneh
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

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  (928): On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory. http://tfl.nu/gw1o
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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  (920): just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch. http://tfl.nu/t841
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY

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  (609): These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY http://tfl.nu/f90k
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com

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  (770): The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com http://tfl.nu/sswj
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

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  (423): I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats. http://tfl.nu/9par
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  (518): View more from New York

  Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.

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  (518): Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea. http://tfl.nu/ytsg
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  (207): View more from Maine

  how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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  (207): how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me. http://tfl.nu/s06p
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?

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  (614): You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right? http://tfl.nu/6ebj
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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  (920): So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome http://tfl.nu/oppr
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.

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  (406): I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name. http://tfl.nu/y6iz
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  (512): View more from Texas

  In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.

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  (512): In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian. http://tfl.nu/ew8b
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.

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  (206): Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU. http://tfl.nu/drhd
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'

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  (804): i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better' http://tfl.nu/bjkh
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  "lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

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  (303): "lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning" http://tfl.nu/szov
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  (518): View more from New York

  ...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.

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  (518): ...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified. http://tfl.nu/6dxz
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this

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  (605): Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this http://tfl.nu/ch0i
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  (813): View more from Florida

  thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not

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  (813): thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not http://tfl.nu/vkjn
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  (917): View more from New York City

  level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.

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  (917): level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed. http://tfl.nu/i2kx
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.

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  (401): Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself. http://tfl.nu/agcx
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  (415): View more from California

  When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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  (415): When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping" http://tfl.nu/vogg
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.

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  (520): Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries. http://tfl.nu/00in
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again

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  (815): If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again http://tfl.nu/myb5
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  (253): View more from Washington

  We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

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  (253): We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up. http://tfl.nu/4lr7
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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  (443): Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had. http://tfl.nu/2xlf
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.

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  (774): I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys. http://tfl.nu/c88u
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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  (603): No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative http://tfl.nu/aljj
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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  (870): Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask? http://tfl.nu/y41y
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?

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  (971): I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo? http://tfl.nu/aefb
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  (310): View more from California

  He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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  (310): He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna http://tfl.nu/tldl
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer

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  (860): you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer http://tfl.nu/h8i3
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.

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  (903): Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week. http://tfl.nu/2lhm
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

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  (+44): Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out. http://tfl.nu/bww1
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  anything for my little brother.

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  (440): thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet. (440): anything for my little brother. http://tfl.nu/0dq6
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?

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  (702): Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on? http://tfl.nu/7zfe
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function

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  (201): I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function http://tfl.nu/ad1f
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.

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  (727): I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due. http://tfl.nu/nv78
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick

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  (608): he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick http://tfl.nu/43v1
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.

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  (478): Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up. http://tfl.nu/imv1
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  ..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing

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  (709): ..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing http://tfl.nu/8uai
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  (206): View more from Washington

  it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"

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  (206): it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting" http://tfl.nu/ix3k
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.

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  (705): What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out. http://tfl.nu/9o89
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.

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  (705): I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there. http://tfl.nu/latd
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  "romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits

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  (201): "romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits http://tfl.nu/qyqs
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  (858): View more from California

  Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?

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  (858): Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently? http://tfl.nu/merx
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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  (417): Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there. http://tfl.nu/jea6
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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  (580): You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose. http://tfl.nu/41p8
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.

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  (615): It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying. http://tfl.nu/pvsa
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.

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  (513): I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY. http://tfl.nu/5vxl
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.

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  (901): There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/rmal
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day

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  (610): I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day http://tfl.nu/7iec
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.

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  (419): I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud. http://tfl.nu/pl89
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars

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  (248): Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars http://tfl.nu/5z1n
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it

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  (319): Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it http://tfl.nu/ymth
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"

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  (778): we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go" http://tfl.nu/uvr2
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.

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  (270): Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail. http://tfl.nu/2ou5
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.

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  (804): Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina. http://tfl.nu/ugq6
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.

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  (240): One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order. http://tfl.nu/2w08
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house

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  (973): Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house http://tfl.nu/x9ej
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  (530): View more from California

  I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.

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  (530): I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me. http://tfl.nu/jc9x
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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  (443): this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing http://tfl.nu/c7lz
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.

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  (902): I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying. http://tfl.nu/q9vl
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata

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  (719): im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata http://tfl.nu/j3vj
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  (239): View more from Florida

  so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.

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  (239): so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are. http://tfl.nu/bpgx
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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  (614): Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE http://tfl.nu/myo8
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  (830): View more from Texas

  i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...

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  (830): i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone... http://tfl.nu/i2ws
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.

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  (281): I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home. http://tfl.nu/pc90
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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  (847): as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me http://tfl.nu/nasi
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  (510): View more from California

  no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.

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  (510): no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her. http://tfl.nu/kcyk
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...

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  (419): Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this... http://tfl.nu/jh8c
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  (214): View more from Texas

  What do you think it is?

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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  (214): What do you think it is? (615): It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow. http://tfl.nu/3ng4
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  (530): View more from California

  And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?

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  (530): And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion? http://tfl.nu/zsah
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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  (402): Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being... http://tfl.nu/xmjx
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  (559): View more from California

  can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

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  (559): can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock. http://tfl.nu/805r
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  (805): View more from California

  Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

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  (805): Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...? http://tfl.nu/0j4d
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.

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  (517): Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise. http://tfl.nu/o3um
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

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  (250): I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete. http://tfl.nu/p0ju
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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  (317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

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  (407): I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex. http://tfl.nu/84ml
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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  (617): She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her. http://tfl.nu/sdzd
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan

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  (404): I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan http://tfl.nu/xldl
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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  (618): Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout. http://tfl.nu/q2nt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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  (610): So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed http://tfl.nu/2fhq
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