you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore