I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her