This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
