A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy