Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dating After Heartbreak
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The police scanner is talking about you again....
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Pants 0. Shit 1.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry