yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
that's an acceptable place to lick
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he puts the penis in happiness.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i woke up with socks on this morning
i didnt wear socks last night
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I love black thongs
if i died would you start the facebook group?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.