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WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
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