Where did you get a picture of my penis
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I am available for nakedness
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
