during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
two words...techno handjob
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"