Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The police scanner is talking about you again....
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Actions speak louder than pants.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.