booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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