I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dating After Heartbreak
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I puked a lego.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Is that why you're texting me
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
zippers are such a cool invention
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
look no pants
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
hotties wanna shake it
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"