just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she peed on how many people?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
we're making bets on your personal life
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness