I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just pynch a tree in the face
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i think i have herpe
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This is not my ceiling
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
How drunk are you??
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.