there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
