he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
