Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I understand Curling. That high.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.