So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
