New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
His hands were made for my vagina.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I don't get it.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We talked him into tasing himself.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"