Texts From Last Night

DoorSlut's Favorites Texts:

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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

  (360): View more from Washington

  I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

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  (503): Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch. (360): I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina. http://tfl.nu/x3ve
  Replies (92) Good night (4572) Bad night (826)
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.

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  (321): I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment. http://tfl.nu/8o3c
  Replies (18) Good night (3101) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.

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  (305): Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that. http://tfl.nu/r17f
  Replies (41) Good night (815) Bad night (4331) Order T-Shirt
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  (239): View more from Florida

  At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.

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  (239): At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit. http://tfl.nu/fc4g
  Replies (35) Good night (8954) Bad night (567) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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  (423): my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg http://tfl.nu/cjr9
  Replies (65) Good night (18316) Bad night (1126) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.

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  (501): i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever. http://tfl.nu/sfg3
  Replies (31) Good night (1226) Bad night (4066) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

  (1-925): View more from California

  Yes. Yes it is.

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  (925): Is snow just God skeeting all over the place?? (1-925): Yes. Yes it is. http://tfl.nu/ofba
  Replies (12) Good night (4201) Bad night (1633) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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  (203): They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court. http://tfl.nu/8rt0
  Replies (10) Good night (6162) Bad night (757) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.

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  (978): watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night. http://tfl.nu/ve5u
  Replies (20) Good night (1133) Bad night (4105) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me

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  (214): I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me http://tfl.nu/9k7n
  Replies (57) Good night (5549) Bad night (859) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  Best pick-up line ever!

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  (806): You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck." (1-806): Best pick-up line ever! http://tfl.nu/plrf
  Replies (35) Good night (9563) Bad night (1024) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

  (801): View more from Utah

  alright see you in the morning.

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  (801): You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house. (1-801): There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen. (801): alright see you in the morning. http://tfl.nu/gnes
  Replies (47) Good night (18511) Bad night (700)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.

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  (570): so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party. http://tfl.nu/bja2
  Replies (45) Good night (5878) Bad night (1801)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray

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  (614): The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray http://tfl.nu/ggtu
  Replies (7) Good night (2841) Bad night (445) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.

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  (703): All I need in life is some dick and a big mac. http://tfl.nu/2v25
  Replies (65) Good night (6313) Bad night (1265) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  i'm lost and i look like a hooker

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  (530): i'm lost and i look like a hooker http://tfl.nu/mbk3
  Replies (18) Good night (1281) Bad night (3870) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.

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  (901): Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy. http://tfl.nu/fpgv
  Replies (16) Good night (3349) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.

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  (540): I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy. http://tfl.nu/o69i
  Replies (48) Good night (3449) Bad night (1254) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?

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  (845): would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high? http://tfl.nu/v2jv
  Replies (29) Good night (3981) Bad night (654) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i can't wait to go to hell

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure

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  (248): i can't wait to go to hell (1-248): yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure http://tfl.nu/7pwb
  Replies (2) Good night (1405) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  Umm I'm too high to move.

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  (858): Umm I'm too high to move. http://tfl.nu/ye5s
  Replies (7) Good night (1498) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  "people in the room" being me.

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  (336): the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine. (336): "people in the room" being me. http://tfl.nu/hpsj
  Replies (12) Good night (5420) Bad night (1116)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text

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  (810): I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text http://tfl.nu/8slp
  Replies (5) Good night (737) Bad night (1569) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Quick, to the slutcave!

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  (202): Quick, to the slutcave! http://tfl.nu/wu8s
  Replies (24) Good night (5550) Bad night (588) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks

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  (281): i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks http://tfl.nu/0yyy
  Replies (23) Good night (3873) Bad night (559)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...

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  (613): Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry... http://tfl.nu/3gdb
  Replies (51) Good night (6311) Bad night (783) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.

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  (901): Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight. http://tfl.nu/5qmv
  Replies (12) Good night (4500) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.

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  (330): thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left. http://tfl.nu/oxn5
  Replies (35) Good night (886) Bad night (4868) Order T-Shirt
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.

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  (712): I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good. http://tfl.nu/eno8
  Replies (4) Good night (4602) Bad night (428) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?

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  (678): He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa? http://tfl.nu/j68l
  Replies (7) Good night (3468) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  youre welcome

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  (201): at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.." (1-201): youre welcome http://tfl.nu/sjha
  Replies (10) Good night (5582) Bad night (860)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.

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  (314): screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all. http://tfl.nu/filb
  Replies (21) Good night (5347) Bad night (727) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.

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  (678): he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with. http://tfl.nu/6t6o
  Replies (17) Good night (4402) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.

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  (919): DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages. http://tfl.nu/6cym
  Replies (16) Good night (2933) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period

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  (302): some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period http://tfl.nu/2c6q
  Replies (33) Good night (2421) Bad night (1041) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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  (201): Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one. http://tfl.nu/7onj
  Replies (36) Good night (7772) Bad night (651)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

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  (610): Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love http://tfl.nu/hgdf
  Replies (86) Good night (7265) Bad night (1623) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

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  (805): He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head. http://tfl.nu/up5g
  Replies (17) Good night (5764) Bad night (864) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

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  (602): She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section. http://tfl.nu/g47a
  Replies (44) Good night (1929) Bad night (5967)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed

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  (804): the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight (1-804): i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed http://tfl.nu/tivd
  Replies (38) Good night (3875) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.

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  (860): I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared. http://tfl.nu/7yxr
  Replies (13) Good night (5519) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that

  (850): View more from Florida

  im pretty sure thats an 11

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  (941): i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that (850): im pretty sure thats an 11 http://tfl.nu/g2lw
  Replies (23) Good night (4083) Bad night (1119)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off

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  (304): Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off http://tfl.nu/t5im
  Replies (48) Good night (1731) Bad night (3442) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.

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  (513): So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it. http://tfl.nu/bqup
  Replies (11) Good night (5077) Bad night (480)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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  (720): My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this? http://tfl.nu/za6z
  Replies (18) Good night (5883) Bad night (891) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

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  (310): So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned? http://tfl.nu/6bz7
  Replies (15) Good night (5084) Bad night (900) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction

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  (864): I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction http://tfl.nu/jk7c
  Replies (71) Good night (5401) Bad night (862) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

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  (443): Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon http://tfl.nu/pfsh
  Replies (18) Good night (4518) Bad night (1282) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.

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  (517): Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever. http://tfl.nu/y7ox
  Replies (47) Good night (4033) Bad night (1206) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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  (334): I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves. http://tfl.nu/rn3o
  Replies (41) Good night (12276) Bad night (1391) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  I've always been the spiritual type.

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  (702): When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion. (1-702): I've always been the spiritual type. http://tfl.nu/v0oc
  Replies (27) Good night (7495) Bad night (697)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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  (903): I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink. http://tfl.nu/zmqp
  Replies (13) Good night (4572) Bad night (695)
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.

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  (251): I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa. http://tfl.nu/la3v
  Replies (26) Good night (4269) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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  (251): you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you http://tfl.nu/7a0u
  Replies (57) Good night (11994) Bad night (880) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

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  (601): We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month http://tfl.nu/d8l1
  Replies (25) Good night (5319) Bad night (1021) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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  (205): I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers. http://tfl.nu/jlqp
  Replies (21) Good night (6893) Bad night (1208)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers

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  (205): i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers http://tfl.nu/g3p7
  Replies (25) Good night (6622) Bad night (930) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

  (256): View more from Alabama

  everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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  (205): Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga.. (256): everythings easier when your wearing a toga. http://tfl.nu/a4vc
  Replies (22) Good night (7062) Bad night (820)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.

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  (702): It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life. http://tfl.nu/mba1
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  (408): View more from California

  im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

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  (408): im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college. http://tfl.nu/q0uk
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  (516): View more from New York

  Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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  (516): Never again will we have slut saturday. Never. http://tfl.nu/croh
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  (509): View more from Washington

  She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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  (509): She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center http://tfl.nu/9ea5
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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  (773): Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up. http://tfl.nu/ll85
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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  (803): some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers http://tfl.nu/iyv4
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  (850): View more from Florida

  "Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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  (850): "Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW? http://tfl.nu/ng2t
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.

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  (250): my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing. http://tfl.nu/ewuf
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  (310): View more from California

  ...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."

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  (310): ...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately." http://tfl.nu/g8d2
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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  (817): Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for? http://tfl.nu/2cqu
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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  (330): I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America http://tfl.nu/nfrq
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.

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  (505): I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat. http://tfl.nu/2tx3
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  (406): View more from Montana

  she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.

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  (406): she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure. http://tfl.nu/ut3o
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  (914): View more from New York

  Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos

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  (914): Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos http://tfl.nu/qe5u
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes

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  (479): I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes http://tfl.nu/u839
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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  (920): he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up http://tfl.nu/v5zl
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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  (704): Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining. http://tfl.nu/owux
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

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  (513): Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this. http://tfl.nu/ipvr
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

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  (517): He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls http://tfl.nu/0ix2
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

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  (201): the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do http://tfl.nu/8wsa
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

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  (978): What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax? http://tfl.nu/zknj
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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  (404): you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship http://tfl.nu/msif
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.

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  (314): He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is. http://tfl.nu/o2e4
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.

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  (206): Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order. http://tfl.nu/s8w4
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it

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  (606): I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it http://tfl.nu/8mat
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

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  (503): His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit. http://tfl.nu/ykdx
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.

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  (519): so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious. http://tfl.nu/hyyw
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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  (432): Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat" http://tfl.nu/ofhr
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.

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  (228): Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer. http://tfl.nu/k59r
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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  (307): The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story (307): The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant. http://tfl.nu/nooi
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  this is a time for prayers...seriously

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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  (973): this is a time for prayers...seriously (1-973): let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen. http://tfl.nu/ovsa
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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  (301): The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football" http://tfl.nu/o0mi
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.

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  (216): ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time. http://tfl.nu/5061
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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  (226): This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon http://tfl.nu/4pbx
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him

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  (612): I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him http://tfl.nu/slwx
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this

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  (303): I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this http://tfl.nu/m1v9
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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  (202): the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar http://tfl.nu/f2lj
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am

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  (973): America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am http://tfl.nu/1gc0
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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  (586): he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/s6ky
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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  (919): I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever http://tfl.nu/iy56
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction

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  (505): i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction http://tfl.nu/hb6q
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  (607): View more from New York

  Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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  (607): Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high http://tfl.nu/24mk
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  (727): View more from Florida

  These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.

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  (727): These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular. http://tfl.nu/78s0
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

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  (606): All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers http://tfl.nu/uhar
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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  (724): You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame. http://tfl.nu/zyq0
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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  (303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc
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  (909): View more from California

  I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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  (909): I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine http://tfl.nu/d6oy
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I love how my cats smell like pot.

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  (410): I love how my cats smell like pot. http://tfl.nu/85ca
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.

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  (501): Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to. http://tfl.nu/4qds
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  (949): View more from California

  Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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  (949): Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language. http://tfl.nu/y11c
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  (512): View more from Texas

  We need a plan...

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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  (512): We need a plan... (1-512): Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan. http://tfl.nu/879h
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob

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  (330): We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob http://tfl.nu/gzh9
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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  (305): I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind. http://tfl.nu/8l0m
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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  (360): i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew http://tfl.nu/ocbg
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

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  (678): I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life. http://tfl.nu/5bor
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?

  (269): View more from Michigan

  Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.

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  (757): If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans? (269): Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass. http://tfl.nu/u35z
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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  (832): Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank. http://tfl.nu/gxu8
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

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  (952): He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job. (320): Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud. http://tfl.nu/wke9
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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  (404): I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life. http://tfl.nu/huxl
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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  (314): i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting. http://tfl.nu/k93x
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  (831): View more from California

  she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.

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  (831): she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it. http://tfl.nu/5c70
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.

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  (775): I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again. http://tfl.nu/wdl0
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

  (678): View more from Georgia

  So... What happend then?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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  (404): She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating" (678): So... What happend then? (404): We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM. http://tfl.nu/3t62
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.

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  (303): he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused. http://tfl.nu/ocgb
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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  (303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd
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  (914): View more from New York

  explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?

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  (914): explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts? http://tfl.nu/duu8
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.

  (416): View more from Ontario

  Apparently you chose the latter.

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  (902): So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour. (416): Apparently you chose the latter. http://tfl.nu/xdpl
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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  (401): she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch! (508): because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking. http://tfl.nu/qlq5
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.

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  (662): Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45. http://tfl.nu/maq6
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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  (203): Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester. http://tfl.nu/4eoz
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I am a bulletproof tiger!

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?

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  (828): I am a bulletproof tiger! (615): Haha. Nice, be careful tonight. (828): I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat? http://tfl.nu/tz40
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  RUDE.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  outsmarted mickey deeeees

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  (248): do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions. (1-248): RUDE. (248): I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o. (1-248): outsmarted mickey deeeees http://tfl.nu/mqmo
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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  (413): I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM... http://tfl.nu/mwn4
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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  (203): so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same http://tfl.nu/kiu0
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